spoken word - Hollie McNish

I just cannot get enough of listening to this woman at the moment.

I was first introduced to Hollie when somone shared the video for "embarrassed", a poem about her breastfeeding experience. I was BLOWN AWAY. The way this woman is able to articulate her thoughts, my thoughts, so beautifully yet with real edge is amazing. I cannot take my eyes or ears off her once I have pressed play.

I have often thought about spoken word. It is something I enjoy listening to and I do write a bit but I'm not sure it's something I could do myself. I am a performer, yes, but I don't know if I would be able to let myself be free enough to work up moment and rhythm of this kind.

I'll stick to SW in the shower...

you enjoy Megatron - this one almost had me in tears.

sleep update #2

We have come to a point where Maggie is no longer feeding in the night - I sort of thought this day would never come! She still wakes anywhere between 1 and 4 (last night!) times a night but doesn't ask for BB. Actually, it's pretty weird - some of the times she wakes up and just writhes around, doesn't want cuddles, nothing will help. She writhes and groans/cries for a while then goes back to sleep. It's like she doesn't know how to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep.
While I am OK about the night feeds being dropped (mostly for the quest for bebe #3) because the day feeds remain plentiful I feel sad that she doesn't want to cuddle or be stroked or talk or anything when she's in the writhey place. Luckily not every night waking is like that.

So, I guess night-weaning mission accomplished?! But sleep...yeah... we'll get there!

insert cute sleeping baby photo >

TTC over share...

Once again, because I am aware that very few people read these ramblings I am going to (potentially) over share and have a rant. Here I go...

We have been TTC #3 in earnest for about 7 months. Now, I know that is not a very long time in the scheme of things and many, many couples try for way longer but it is feeling like FOREVER. It has never taken us more than 3 months before and every month is just a huge downer. Last month and this month it has really upset the Mr too, which has sucked. I guess I didn't realize, being wrapped up in my own crazy-lady-want-a-bebe place that he is quite keen on the idea too. Duh!
We were hoping for a smaller gap between kiddies this time around, but that ain't happening. First off I didn't get a cycle back until Maggie was about 13 months and they have been strange since. In saying that, the last 3 had come down (from 43) to 34 days so we were all ready and amped up for this one to be the same....NAH.

Day 18
Me:(thinking)          Awesome, ovulation some time over this weekend. Hooray!!
                                We'll so make a bebe this time...

My body:                NAH! Period! Sucker.

So it arrives, what we thought to be mid cycle. And breaks my freaking heart. >Insert crazy lady crying inside her wardrobe here< (that was me. I totally did that...)

So now we're kind of confused and unsure of where to go next. The obvious answer is chill out, have sex 3 times a week, every week and wait for it to happen... easier said than done. But we're going to try. I (we) just have to try not to get so attached to the idea of adding to our clan. Again, easier said than done.
I am also going to give night weaning a good go. Really. Well...I'm going to try harder anyway. There is not a period of more than 4 hours, day or night, that Maggie does not feed and I am sure (from research) that this is contributing to the wacky cycles.

I am by no means forgetting or minimizing the fact that we already have two insanely awesome children who we (mostly!) highly enjoy! It does make it hard though when the biggest little says things like "is Mavis in your belly yet? It kind of looks like she is?" and "when are we going to get a baby. Tomorrow? You have to tell me so I can draw it a picture kay?"...the cuteness...sigh.

I know that we could on the TTC rollercoaster for a while longer and while it's not a journey I enjoy, I am trying to be present and connect with the whole experience. Many couples try for years and years without any joy. I know this. It's one of the reasons I want to be a surrogate after our own family is complete.

But for now, I am consumed with the desire to grow a babe in this belly.

Patience.

birth days...

Enjoying the late afternoon sunshine whilst unwrapping the pot for the planting of the placenta tomorrow on the smallest Hansen lady's first birthday has got me thinking... isn't it funny how generally people don't say happy birth day to the Mama? It's as much your birth day as it is the bebe's, right? I think so.
When I wake up in the morning I'll be thinking of the milestones and times as we go through the day. At 2pm I'll remember how I went downstairs to our bed to lie down with Elanor and how 10 minutes later I was up in the lounge rocking. At 3pm I'll remember the look on Jason's face as he came back from the barn expecting to find Ellie and I sleeping peacefully but instead found me grinding my lower back into the kitchen bench (soooooo good!). And at 6.32pm I'll remember that huge surge of power and emotion as Maggie came into the world...then after the briefest touch was taken away to be put on a ventilator. At 10.10pm before I go to bed I'll remember the first time I saw that baby girl, all tubes and wires and smushed up little face.

I think all Mamas deserve a congratulatory hug on their little ones' birth days...no matter how long ago it was.

closing time...

And so another year comes to a close.
Before you point it out, yes I have not posted for aaaaaages...I couldn't tell you why really other than I simply haven't felt like it. That's all really.

This, 2012, has been a good year. We have welcomed Maggie into the family, J has gotten a new job, Elanor has started kindy and I...well...I'm not sure really. But I have been doing stuff, I swear! I am in a strange place at the moment where I feel a bit like I'm just doing the minimum to get by, a kind of groundhog day funk. I'm sure it'll pass.

In the coming year I look forward to being part of friends' weddings, welcoming some bebes, furthering my sewing, nurturing relationships, taking steps towards making our big build a reality, getting tattooed, making time for husband/wife dates, hanging with the littles, a trip or two around the place, perhaps adding to our brood, doing some sweet baking and learning how to crochet...amongst other things...

Sayonara 2012...it's been nice.

Miss Maggie SIX(!)Months...

Maggie is 6 months old...where has it gone?? This month we had a guest spot in Miss Rosemary's chair on our trip to Wellington. Good chair. Very good chair! Maggie has been watching us eat intently and has been licking a variety of foods (including the pictured carrot). She has begun a love affair with Farley's rusks...mine still continues to this day...shame! Sleeping-wise she is getting worse and worse, but we'll focus on the cute smushyness and not the feed me every hour in the night-ness. It's official - she's mobile! Getting around in an army crawl style but she is getting up there on fours so stair-gate at the ready! We are all enjoying being four (mostly!) and are looking forward to getting amongst some sunshine and embracing the changes in and around us.

I guess we're on the slow decline (!) to Christmas now, but we have two birthdays before then - mine and Ellie's. Well, three because my Dad's is on Saturday too. Cake ahoy!

another no-cry sleep update...

no cry? NO cry?! Is this even possible? At the moment I would tell you not. Maggie seems inconsolable when she wakes up every hour or so, until I feed her that is.
We have been going with the book but I guess we have to "re-evaluate our plan" and try again....?
I am getting seriously over it but what can you do?
Remaining fluid and going with it is hard when all you want to do is rest your weary head for more than an hour and, to be honest, I thought we'd have it "sorted" by now. It's true, no to babies are the same...not even ones that came from the same belly, made from the same parts. Oh well...

no-cry sleep solution update...

I was going to do an update yesterday morning but after the cussing awful sleep Sunday night, I thought I'd wait!
It is going quite well, I guess. We are down to waking every 3 hours now so about 3 times a night. I must say it was hard at first, not feeding her every time she woke but then I realized she wasn't actually hungry because she went (almost) straight back to sleep after a cuddle or a pat.
I am guilty of, if she doesn't go straight back to sleep, giving in and feeding her back to sleep. Which must be fine with me because I'm doing it - if that makes sense.

So for now...this is good.
We truly were spoilt with the first babe sleep-wise. We were thinking the other day that when Elanor was about this age we went to our friends' wedding...and someone else fed her a bottle of expressed milk and put her to bed for the night. Craziness! Not so with this one...and apart from the tiredness, I don't mind all tht much that she seems to need me a little bit more.

mental health time...

Lately I have been feeling a little...well, not good. I guess all the things that come with having small ones - tired, messy...like all I do is change, wipe, wash, hang, repeat...there are only so many games of hide and seek a Mama can play with a toddler who tells you exactly where she's going to hide first! In short, it was time for some mental health time and a near perfect opportunity presented itself....

It was so good to just lie for a couple of hours, talk, have time to think and I even almost nodded off at one point! And now I feel that my equilibrium has been restored and I am refreshed and ready to change, wipe, wash and hang with new vigor!

Some people like hot stone massages and facials...but I'd rather get stuck with a high speed neddle over and over...go figure.

Plus, to make the boys at Custom Collective even more super cool, they don't even bat an eyelid at a bit of baby-feeding in the shop. Chur!

no-cry sleep solution...

We are currently reading this book and trying to implement the things in it to get all of us some sweeter and much needed sleep. Except Elanor, of course; she always gets a solid (at least) 11 hours - lucky bugger!

Maggie has been getting worse with sleeping, both at night and napping. I won't bore you with the specifics as I know for a fact that other Mamas have it worse, but I realized it was becoming a problem for us (and in turn for her) as we hadn't done this before - Elanor has been a badass sleeper from about 6 weeks old. Not this time..Not Maggie...

So I picked up Pantley's no-cry sleep solution on the way out of La Leche League on Thursday and have been recording Maggie's sleep as shown in the book since Thursday night. Basic gist so far - she doesn't sleep enough. I could have told you that before...but seriously, she is getting around 3 hours less a day than she should" be and a big culprit is the nap, or the lack thereof. Maggie will nap for around 45 mins max, if I'm lucky and the wind is blowing in the right direction etc etc. I have been trying over the last two days to help her extend her naps and thus (hopefully) improve her night time sleeping. So far we are making baby steps (!) - she is asleep now and has been for an hour, but I'm not holding my breath.

As far as the book goes I am loving the ideas and coping/changing strategies in it. I also love the fact that the author is a mother of 4 (2 good sleepers and 2 not so much....hence the book) and that she includes anecdotes from real life test Mamas. I think the most important thing I have taken from the book so far is a strategy to help the babe get out of suckling until they are completely asleep and that change takes time.... I have never been and never will be part of the cry-it-out camp (cry what out exactly?) so Pantley's methods appeal on a number of levels. We are going to give it another night or so of recording then look at the situation and decide which changes we're going to put in place over the next 10 days or so. The from there...I'll keep you updated. 'Cos you so care...maybe you do, if your baby (current or future) isn't sleeping that well either and is leaving you looking and feeling like a trackpanted, muss-haired undead.

here's hoping for a bit more of this...

Miss Maggie FiveMonths...

This is Maggie...she is now 5 months old. Wow!

..she is (as you can see) pretty free and easy with the smiles, most of the time.

Maggie loves rolling around the floor and kind of shunting herself forwards to get around.

She LOVES Elanor, boob and that little plastic teething fish (photo left).

Night time sleeping is becoming crappier but we're just weathering the storm for now.

She has big blue eyes, slightly ginger hair and a little red strawberry on her bum.

We are as in love as ever. Happy Whanau. 

late night nursery rhymes...

hickory dickory dock

the time is two o'clock

in the am, not the pm but it's pretty much the same.

diddle diddle dumpling sleepy grin

one boob out, one boob in

in out, in out, shake it all about

please, just drink.

now I lay me down to sleep...

see saw margery daw

what's that baby, you want some more?

I can't work any faster.

star light, star bright

here comes the morning light

this little piggy went weeweegiggleburpcry all the way home.

it's raining, it's pouring

is that daddy snoring?

he's gone back to sleep, but what's the use in being awake

it's me you want.

need.

 

 

babes...

I am totally into One Born Every Minute at the moment - I stay up especially (past my bedtime!!) on a Tuesday night to watch it... and cry. At least once. Every week.
It. Is. Amazing.
Then someone mentioned birth videos on Youtube....One Born ondemand!!
There is something so amazing about the miracle of birth and remembering all the things physical, mental, spiritual that it brought forth when it was your turn. Wow!
I can't wait for one of my friends to have a baby! Who's next??
and can I come? Just kidding....kind of....

true post-baby body...

So I watched Jaquie Brown's new series "Keep calm and carry on" last night and she made a big deal of showing her "post-baby body"....I thought WOW, how brave - a NZ "celebrity" ready to show the nitty gritty...and to be honest I was disappointed. I looked at her and saw...nothing. Ok, maybe a little chub but really...nothing. I look at myself and see a pile of pizza dough big enough to make deep dish for a family of 6 stuck to my front. I guess I wanted to see a body that looks like mine, now 4 months postpartum... Why do we feel the need to compare?

It was probably a huuuuuge thing for her, I don't want to cheapen it and I guess we all have issues with our bodies, especially after pregnancy (post to come...!!) but after 2 children it is safe to say my body will NEVER be the same again and I think it will take me a long time to come to terms with this. It's quite possible that I won't, but that's nothing new for me (again, post to come!). So I wanted to do something brave...more brave than Jaquie Brown, I feel, as I actually have something to "show off". So, here she is... in all her glory.... my post-baby body...

That is all...

and we're back...

after pity-party-5000 last week, we found things to make us smile this weekend. Including but not limited to a new character, Elanor breastfeeding Dora, sweet shades, new slippers, a pirate baby and Maggie looking up ways to use our land with Dada...

onwards and upwards

xx

If we're offending you please feel free to put a blanket over your head...

BFF #5: Remarkably, your breasts will only produce as much milk as your baby needs, no more and no less. When you start breastfeeding, your breasts will start producing more milk, but as feedings slow down, your body just naturally stops producing it. Magic!

I have never been afraid to nurse in public, right from the word go. I think it is due to super support from my husband and family and to thinking about it logically - baby needs food, feed baby.
I understand that some women do not feel comfortable feeding in public, something which is not made easier when people make comments like "why do you have to flop 'em out here"...and other such charming "tit" related comments. Please at least say breast or boob even and make yourself sound a tad more classy. Anyway...I digress.
I am always discreet about it but never hide. No blankets here thank you! More trouble than it's worth if you ask me. But that's me.

having a "coffee" out with Nana

frozen treats...

BFF #4: if babe has a bunged up nose, squirt some milk up it!

This is most of the milk I have collected since Maggie was born - around 3.6L of it.

The thing is....I'm going to have to use lots of it in the next 2-4 months... eep! I have connected with the Human Milk 4 Human Babies Aotearoa network so am hoping to give some away to someone that needs it.
Mags is not interested in a bottle and I don't want it going to waste really. I am still collecting about 400-600mL a week too. Got Milk? Heck yeah we do!

weaning...or not...

BFF #3: breast milk can be used to get rid of warts - true story!

I often find myself wondering how long Maggie will feed for (already?! I hear you screaming). Only because one day, out of the blue, at 10 months old Elanor just stopped. She was still feeding around 4-6 times a day and just stopped. I tried offering her the breast for about 2 weeks with the only result being me getting upset, so finally gave it up as a lost cause. It really threw me off...I was, for some reason, expecting a nice gentle weaning period. Not so. Which is why I wonder whether the same thing will happen again, or not.

check those delicious rolls!

 For now we are just packing on the pounds! Unfortunately that refers to both of us...but that's for another day. sigh.

sweet, milky dreams...

Last feed before a big sleep...always a sweet one.

Night night

on demand...

BFF #2: almost three-quarters of mamas produce more milk with their right breast (no correlation to being right or left - handed).

I have never been one to parent to a schedule and feeding is no different. With both babes this is where you have generally found me from 7.30pm until around anywhere between 9 and 10pm (when I slink with sleeping babe down to bed)...feeding. Cluster feeding.
Elanor gave this "routine" up around 6 months and just had a "dinner" feed then a "supper" feed. It will be interesting to see whether Maggie does the same. Either way, we just roll with the punches in this whare.

Sitting like this for 2 hours gives me the perfect excuse to watch Coronation St., read books and/or stare at my ever changing little one.